Create a Private Conflict Coach

Anxious about an upcoming conversation?  With Google's Notebook LLM you can get instant support for tough situations from AI.  Not best-guess ideas from a blabbering bot that knows nothing about you, but personalized advice calibrated to your personal conflict style preferences.  All you need to do to upload your Style Matter score report in PDF and describe a situation you face.

Skeptical? Good, anything this powerful and confident deserves your best scrutiny, human or device! But first have a look at the possibilities and then use your skeptical abilities to appraise the results.

Example

I uploaded an anonymous score report for experimentation, and presented a real life conflict situation.  I wrote:  "A woman at my church was not pleased with things I said recently in a meeting about Israel and Palestine.  I have coffee with her tomorrow.  I'd like to challenge her views but I don't want to further offend her.  How to handle this?  Instructed to reply as a conflict coach, Notebook used my score report and replied as follows:

Navigating a Sensitive Conversation

Based on your conflict style scores, you generally prefer Cooperating and Compromising styles when tensions rise. This suggests that you value open discussion and finding middle ground. [1, 2] However, the sources also caution against overusing these styles, as they can be time-consuming and may not be appropriate in every situation. [3, 4] Here's a breakdown of how your conflict styles and the provided insights might apply to this specific situation:

• • Acknowledge the Sensitivity: Recognize that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is deeply personal and emotionally charged for many people. Approach the conversation with humility and respect for the woman's views, even if you disagree. [Outside Source: Recognizing the deeply rooted nature of this conflict is crucial for productive dialogue. This is a widely acknowledged aspect of the conflict.]
  • Listen Actively: Begin by genuinely listening to her concerns and perspectives. Let her fully express her feelings without interruption (except to clarify). This will demonstrate respect and create space for her to feel heard. Active listening is a particularly effective way to engage with someone who favors a Cooperating style, as it shows a genuine interest in their viewpoint. [5]
  • Share Your Perspective: After listening carefully, share your own perspective in a calm and respectful manner. Focus on explaining your reasoning and motivations, rather than trying to "win" the argument. [Outside Source: Shifting the focus from winning to understanding can create a more constructive environment for dialogue.]
  • Seek Common Ground: Instead of focusing on changing her mind, try to find common values or goals you both share. This could be a shared concern for peace, justice, or human rights. Building on common ground can help bridge differences and create a more collaborative atmosphere. [2]
  • Be Mindful of Time: The sources highlight that those who favor Cooperating can have a high tolerance for lengthy discussions, while others might not. [6] Be mindful of the time and energy you're both investing. If the conversation becomes heated or unproductive, suggest taking a break or revisiting it at another time.
  • Accept Differences: Recognize that you might not be able to change her mind completely, and that's okay. The goal of the conversation should be to foster understanding and respect, even if you don't reach full agreement. [Outside Source: Accepting the possibility of ongoing differences can alleviate pressure and allow for a more authentic exchange.]

Remember, your conflict style scores provide valuable insights into your natural tendencies but don't dictate your actions. You can consciously choose the best approach for each situation. In this case, prioritizing active listening, respectful dialogue, and the search for common ground can help you navigate this sensitive conversation effectively.

Managing a Conversation with a Pushy Person

 

Given the new information that this woman is very pushy and self-focused, you may need to adjust your approach to the coffee meeting. Here are some specific strategies to consider, combining your conflict style insights with the new challenge:

●   Prepare for Interruptions: Since she tends to dominate conversations, anticipate that she might interrupt you frequently. Practice assertive but polite ways to regain control of the conversation. [Outside Source: Assertive communication techniques are helpful in managing conversations with individuals who tend to interrupt. You can find many resources online about assertive communication.] For example, you could say:

  ○  "I understand your passion, and I'd like to share my perspective as well."

  ○  "Please allow me to finish my thought."

  ○  "I appreciate your point, and I want to add..."

●  Set Boundaries Early: Establishing boundaries at the beginning can help manage the flow of the conversation. You might start by saying:

  ○  "I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts, and I also have some things I'd like to share. Perhaps we can take turns speaking."

  ○  "I have about 30 minutes for coffee. Let's make the most of our time by ensuring we both have a chance to speak."

●  Use Time-Boxing: Consider setting time limits for specific topics to prevent her from monopolizing the conversation. For instance, you could say:

  ○  "Let's spend 10 minutes discussing your concerns, and then we can allocate another 10 minutes for me to share my perspective."

●  Stay Calm and Focused: If she becomes overly assertive or dismissive, try to remain calm and avoid getting drawn into an argument. You can gently redirect the conversation back to your points by saying:

  ○  "I hear your frustration, but I'd like to return to..."

  ○  "Let's focus on finding some common ground."

●  Re-evaluate Your Goal: Since the woman is known to be pushy and self-focused, it's important to re-evaluate your goal for the meeting. Changing her mind might be unrealistic. Instead, focus on:

  ○  Clearly communicating your perspective.

  ○  Ensuring she understands your viewpoint, even if she disagrees.

  ○  Finding areas of agreement, even if they're limited.

Remember: You have a high score in Cooperating in Storm situations, which means you naturally seek open discussion and mutual understanding.12 While this is a strength, you might need to adapt your approach with someone who is not as inclined to reciprocate this style. By combining your collaborative tendencies with assertive communication and boundary-setting, you can navigate this challenging conversation more effectively.

The sources do not specifically address dealing with people who are very pushy and self-focused. Therefore, the additional strategies mentioned above are based on general communication principles and are not directly derived from the sources."

 

How to Set Up Notebook as your Conflict Coach

Go to Notebook LLM.  Login there with an existing Gmail account or by creating a new one.  (It's free.)   Click  "Create New Notebook".     You'll see this, except for the red text which I've added here.

Ways to Use Your Conflict Coach 

You can use your newly created Notebook for numerous things.

• Create an audio conversation about your score report.   See my detailed instructions and sample audio file you can listen to here.
• Prepare for an upcoming conversation, as I demonstrated in the beginning above.  
• Generate learning resources.  Get suggestions and detailed descriptions of skills that will take you to the next level in building your own conflict skills.   You could simply ask Notebook to give you a list of suggested skills to you to strength your conflict skills.   Informed by your score report, Notebook will give you a precise answer.  If you want, to can ask for detailed description of each skill Notebood is suggesting.   And you could then ask Notebook to design, say, a one month Learning Program to practice these skills, with some suggested readings or videos on the web.
• Practice real life skills, with Notebook taking you through roleplay exchanges where you practice skills you are learning. 

How to Direct Notebook to Give You Want You Need

• Ask for specific examples: "Regarding your suggestion that I should "[whatever suggestion the AI made]".  Spell that out further please and give me some examples of what it might sound like."
• To practice the AI skills has suggested, you could say:  "I'm not good at this.  Please do a roleplay with me in which you take the part of my opposite and I need to practice my part in making this a constructive experience."
• If the advice seems unrealistic, you could say, "What you're saying won't work because....  Could you suggest other strategies?"
• If you want to do more skill learning you could say, "I like the advice you're giving but I don't feel very skillful with the approach.  Please suggest some related skills I could learn and some strategies for practicing them."
• If the advice seems complicated or requires skills you don't have but want to learn: "Say that in simpler terms please."  Or, "You say I should listen well, but I've never been good at that, especially when I'm upset.  Please suggest things I could learn or practice doing that would help me improve."
• Two partners could both upload their score reports and ask Notebook to assist them as a pair.   E.g: "We are a husband and wife.  Based on our two source  documents give us each a list of special reminders to keep in mind when we have a conflict."   Or, "We seem to be stuck in a rut of conflict!  We keep experiencing that [describe this in whatever level of detail you want].  Please advise!"   Or, "Please suggest several learning exercises we could do together that would help us building our conflict resolutions skills as a couple."

Final Thoughts

---------------------------

FIRST TRY

--------------------------

The bot replied:

Navigating a Sensitive Conversation Based on your conflict style scores, you generally prefer Cooperating and Compromising styles when tensions rise. This suggests that you value open discussion and finding middle ground. However, the sources also caution against overusing these styles, as they can be time-consuming and may not be appropriate in every situation. Here's a breakdown of how your conflict styles and the provided insights might apply to this specific situation:

Navigating a Sensitive Conversation

Based on your conflict style scores, you generally prefer Cooperating and Compromising styles when tensions rise. This suggests that you value open discussion and finding middle ground. [1, 2] However, the sources also caution against overusing these styles, as they can be time-consuming and may not be appropriate in every situation. [3, 4] Here's a breakdown of how your conflict styles and the provided insights might apply to this specific situation:

• Acknowledge the Sensitivity: Recognize that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is deeply personal and emotionally charged for many people. Approach the conversation with humility and respect for the woman's views, even if you disagree. [Outside Source: Recognizing the deeply rooted nature of this conflict is crucial for productive dialogue. This is a widely acknowledged aspect of the conflict.]

• Listen Actively: Begin by genuinely listening to her concerns and perspectives. Let her fully express her feelings without interruption (except to clarify). This will demonstrate respect and create space for her to feel heard. Active listening is a particularly effective way to engage with someone who favors a Cooperating style, as it shows a genuine interest in their viewpoint. [5]

• Share Your Perspective: After listening carefully, share your own perspective in a calm and respectful manner. Focus on explaining your reasoning and motivations, rather than trying to "win" the argument. [Outside Source: Shifting the focus from winning to understanding can create a more constructive environment for dialogue.]

• Seek Common Ground: Instead of focusing on changing her mind, try to find common values or goals you both share. This could be a shared concern for peace, justice, or human rights. Building on common ground can help bridge differences and create a more collaborative atmosphere. [2]

• Be Mindful of Time: The sources highlight that those who favor Cooperating can have a high tolerance for lengthy discussions, while others might not. [6] Be mindful of the time and energy you're both investing. If the conversation becomes heated or unproductive, suggest taking a break or revisiting it at another time.

• Accept Differences: Recognize that you might not be able to change her mind completely, and that's okay. The goal of the conversation should be to foster understanding and respect, even if you don't reach full agreement. [Outside Source: Accepting the possibility of ongoing differences can alleviate pressure and allow for a more authentic exchange.]

Remember, your conflict style scores provide valuable insights into your natural tendencies but don't dictate your actions. You can consciously choose the best approach for each situation. In this case, prioritizing active listening, respectful dialogue, and the search for common ground can help you navigate this sensitive conversation effectively.

Navigating a Sensitive Conversation

Based on your conflict style scores, you generally prefer Cooperating and Compromising styles when tensions rise. This suggests that you value open discussion and finding middle ground. [1, 2] However, the sources also caution against overusing these styles, as they can be time-consuming and may not be appropriate in every situation. [3, 4] Here's a breakdown of how your conflict styles and the provided insights might apply to this specific situation:

• Acknowledge the Sensitivity: Recognize that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is deeply personal and emotionally charged for many people. Approach the conversation with humility and respect for the woman's views, even if you disagree. [Outside Source: Recognizing the deeply rooted nature of this conflict is crucial for productive dialogue. This is a widely acknowledged aspect of the conflict.]

• Listen Actively: Begin by genuinely listening to her concerns and perspectives. Let her fully express her feelings without interruption (except to clarify). This will demonstrate respect and create space for her to feel heard. Active listening is a particularly effective way to engage with someone who favors a Cooperating style, as it shows a genuine interest in their viewpoint. [5]

• Share Your Perspective: After listening carefully, share your own perspective in a calm and respectful manner. Focus on explaining your reasoning and motivations, rather than trying to "win" the argument. [Outside Source: Shifting the focus from winning to understanding can create a more constructive environment for dialogue.]

• Seek Common Ground: Instead of focusing on changing her mind, try to find common values or goals you both share. This could be a shared concern for peace, justice, or human rights. Building on common ground can help bridge differences and create a more collaborative atmosphere. [2]

• Be Mindful of Time: The sources highlight that those who favor Cooperating can have a high tolerance for lengthy discussions, while others might not. [6] Be mindful of the time and energy you're both investing. If the conversation becomes heated or unproductive, suggest taking a break or revisiting it at another time.

• Accept Differences: Recognize that you might not be able to change her mind completely, and that's okay. The goal of the conversation should be to foster understanding and respect, even if you don't reach full agreement. [Outside Source: Accepting the possibility of ongoing differences can alleviate pressure and allow for a more authentic exchange.]

Remember, your conflict style scores provide valuable insights into your natural tendencies but don't dictate your actions. You can consciously choose the best approach for each situation. In this case, prioritizing active listening, respectful dialogue, and the search for common ground can help you navigate this sensitive conversation effectively."

Looking at this as a conflict resolution trainer, I have to say that is high-quality advice.  If I had a staff member who wrote a memo like that I'd say, "Well done!"

I wanted to make it harder for the bot and test it's ability to be helpful.  so I then wrote:

"Let me add:  She is extremely pushy and self-focussed.  She will talk my ear off and never give me a chance to get a word in edgewise if I'm not careful!  What to do?"

The bot replied:

"Managing a Conversation with a Pushy Person

Given the new information that this woman is very pushy and self-focused, you may need to adjust your approach to the coffee meeting. Here are some specific strategies to consider, combining your conflict style insights with the new challenge:

●

Prepare for Interruptions: Since she tends to dominate conversations, anticipate that she might interrupt you frequently. Practice assertive but polite ways to regain control of the conversation. [Outside Source: Assertive communication techniques are helpful in managing conversations with individuals who tend to interrupt. You can find many resources online about assertive communication.] For example, you could say:

○

"I understand your passion, and I'd like to share my perspective as well."

○

"Please allow me to finish my thought."

○

"I appreciate your point, and I want to add..."

●

Set Boundaries Early: Establishing boundaries at the beginning can help manage the flow of the conversation. You might start by saying:

○

"I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts, and I also have some things I'd like to share. Perhaps we can take turns speaking."

○

"I have about 30 minutes for coffee. Let's make the most of our time by ensuring we both have a chance to speak."

●

Use Time-Boxing: Consider setting time limits for specific topics to prevent her from monopolizing the conversation. For instance, you could say:

○

"Let's spend 10 minutes discussing your concerns, and then we can allocate another 10 minutes for me to share my perspective."

●

Stay Calm and Focused: If she becomes overly assertive or dismissive, try to remain calm and avoid getting drawn into an argument. You can gently redirect the conversation back to your points by saying:

○

"I hear your frustration, but I'd like to return to..."

○

"Let's focus on finding some common ground."

●

Re-evaluate Your Goal: Since the woman is known to be pushy and self-focused, it's important to re-evaluate your goal for the meeting. Changing her mind might be unrealistic. Instead, focus on:

○

Clearly communicating your perspective.

○

Ensuring she understands your viewpoint, even if she disagrees.

○

Finding areas of agreement, even if they're limited.

Remember: You have a high score in Cooperating in Storm situations, which means you naturally seek open discussion and mutual understanding.12 While this is a strength, you might need to adapt your approach with someone who is not as inclined to reciprocate this style. By combining your collaborative tendencies with assertive communication and boundary-setting, you can navigate this challenging conversation more effectively.

The sources do not specifically address dealing with people who are very pushy and self-focused. Therefore, the additional strategies mentioned above are based on general communication principles and are not directly derived from the sources."

Again, as a conflict resolution professional, I recognize that as high quality advice.   

If the user wants to they could circle back to any of the above and reply with things like:

• To get a clearer understanding of some point made by the bot, ask for specific examples: "Regarding your suggestion that I "[some point that I don't understand fully].  Spell that out further please and give me some examples of what it might sound like."

• To practice the skills suggested you could say:  "I'm not good at this.  Please do a roleplay with me in which you take the part of this woman and I need to practice my part in making this a constructive experience."

• If the advice is unrealistic, you could say, "What you're saying won't work because....  Could you suggest other strategies?"

• If you want to do more skill learning you could say, "I like the advice you're giving but I don't feel very skillful with the approach.  Please suggest some related skills I could learn and some strategies for practicing them."

Background

I wrote earlier about Notebook and you may want to read that as background.  But this platform is so easy to use that you can probably find you way with no difficulty just by following my simple instructions below.

AI has a deservedly questionable reputation at the moment, due in part to its tendency to "hallucinate", making stuff up out of whole cloth.  In my experimentation with Notebook, this problem is greatly reduced because the AI frames its response around the sources that you put in.